I’m A Mess

I would like to say that this is a new development. 

But that would be a total lie. 

I’ve been a mess for the entirety of my adult life. There have been a few periods when I was less messy than my normal, but they have been few and short-lived. And there have been times when I’ve been messier than my normal.

Like now. 

So I need to work on my self, my house, and my life and get my shit together so that I’m not such a mess. 

What’s wrong with my self?

Let’s start with the most obvious issue. I’m overweight. Very overweight if you buy into the BMI charts. There are a variety of reasons why I want to lose weight. While I’m healthy right now, I would like to keep it that way and stay healthy. I want to work on developing my strength so that I’m better able to take care of my mom as she’s facing problems with her own health. And I just want to feel comfortable in my own body. I never have as an adult.

In addition to my weight, I also want to finally figure out the hair and beauty routines and figure out the clothing style that allows me to look the way that I want to. While I have always enjoyed playing with my hair, makeup, and clothes, I’ve never allowed myself to really get into them or make them a true part of my life because they’re things only the “Pretty Girls” area allowed to really enjoy. So I’ve purchased a lot of makeup, hair tools and accessories, and clothes only to keep them locked away in drawers and closets because I’m not one of the “Pretty Girls” that’s allowed to enjoy such frivolous items. So my beauty collection and wardrobe are scattered and unfocused. I’ve been trying to get better about wearing the clothes, accessories, and makeup, but I still have a way to go before I truly look like the person I want to look like.

Yes, I have a very complicated relationship with my body and appearance. With my self. 

Which leads us into that I also need to really work on my mental health. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a teen, and it’s time to find ways to make that burden a little easier to carry. I’ve had therapy a couple of times, and both times, the same tools were what helped me. So I know what I need to do to feel better, it’s just a matter of making myself actually do it.

What’s wrong with my house?

I’m a hoarder. And my house is just over 1500 square feet. I need to declutter and get rid of a lot of stuff. Then I can start decorating the house and making it comfortable, livable, and a home for my mom and me. Especially since my mom uses a wheelchair the majority of the time right now, and when she’s not using a wheelchair, she has to use a walker.

My house stuff, much like my wardrobe and beauty stuff, is scattered and unfocused, with no real style. I’ve purchased items at random as I see them with no thought to whether they actually work for me, my lifestyle, or my house. I have a few ideas of what I think I want to work towards. But first, I have to get everything decluttered.

What’s wrong with my life?

It’s not what I planned for it to be. 

I never thought I’d be 40-something, never married, no kids, almost non-existent social circle. But that’s where I ended up. And I’m not sure what to do with myself now. 

Let me be clear.

There’s NOTHING wrong with being 40-something, never married, no kids, with a small social circle.

The issue is that this became my life without me doing it intentionally. So now that it is my life, I’m unsure how to proceed from here. I need to redefine what would make my life successful, what would make me feel fulfilled. I know that I want to travel, have experiences, refine established hobbies, and find new ones. But I need to figure out what that looks like now that my life doesn’t look like what I expected it to look like. 

Why am I telling you this?

Because you’re here. 

I’m starting the blog for a few reasons. 

The biggest reason is that I’m creating the blog to be a record of the changes that I’m making, what works, what doesn’t work, and ideas for the future. Having this blog will also serve as a reminder of how far I’ve come when I’m feeling down about my self-makeover journey.

I also want to build a community. I’m hoping that this blog will find others who also want to change their lives and give themselves a makeover in some way. Then we can support each other when times are tough. We can celebrate each other's successes together. Sometimes you can’t be your own cheerleader; you need someone else to see your successes for you. And hopefully, this blog will be a place where people, including me and others, can find their cheerleaders. 

Another minor reason why I want to do this blog is that I’m hoping it will be a creative outlet. Sometimes the creative outlets that I already have don’t scratch that itch. Maybe having to do the writing, find or take pictures to make the posts pretty, and playing with the layout of the blog will satisfy that creative need.

Also, full disclosure, this blog is being set up as a possible side income. That’s not the main point of this blog, and as I’m writing and posting this, I don’t have any income from this blog. So that’s down the road still, but as I said, full disclosure that that’s a thing that might happen. 

So there you have it. A peek at how much of a disaster I am and a glimpse at the content to come on the blog. 

Your turn - how are you a mess, and what are you going to do about it?

All post photos from Unsplash.